AAAAAAA*

Let me tell you something about infertility treatment you may or may not know.

It has a language.

I'm not kidding here. I'm deadly serious. It took me days to figure out what the hell anyone was saying in forums and blogs. For the most part this language is constructed from a nearly endless line of acronyms.

I have no problem with acronyms, or sub-culture languages. I really don't. Sometimes they create an in-group/out-group dynamic that can be good or bad. But hey, that's fine too. Having a language allows people with shared experiences the ability to readily identify others who 'speak the language'. Good or bad, that's reality.

But why acronyms? I know for a damn fact my wife has never (and oh God, I hope never will) referred to me as "dear husband". A term I'm just not a fan of. Don't ask why, I don't know, I just don't like it. It's like broccoli (don't over think that analogy).

I work in education. Public schools have a language made up of acronyms too. Dozens and Dozens of them (I capped that twice so you know I am serious).

I want so bad for this to be a 'girl' thing. Education is largely dominated by women and the infertility culture is mostly female too. But you know what...it's not a girl thing. You know who does acronyms more than both cultures combined (and then doubled).

The Military. Seriously. Talk to a member of the armed forces about acronyms. It's just stupid. They make crap up so it will have a cool acronym. Hell, the stupid acronyms they make become household words.

Don't believe me? HMMWV.

So it's a human thing, or at least and English thing. Maybe other languages have them and use them more, I don't know. But, fair warning, if you start any infertility, learn the lingo or someone might say (using a whole different cultural language):

"STFU newb. u r pwned"**

*American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse.
** if you know what that means, you are l33t.

Christmas

I am oddly "into" Christmas this year.
I figured I would be all 'down' on it and disinterested because I am not getting what I really want.
But low and behold, I'm actually kinda excited. No idea why.

Back end of a Brontosaurus

I went to hang out with some friends the other night. Saturday night. They warn us almost every week that one or more of the 5 kids or 3 adults in the house is sick. So I'm used to taking my chances.

That's the thing with chances. Eventually the improbable will happen. Damn you eventuality.

I woke up sick. Nasty sick. Let's not talk about it anymore sick.

Mo is not sick, of course. Her immune system is like the Hulk in an Iron Man suit upgraded by Batman and the Predator. If a germ survives long enough to get close it has just enough time to cry. So she went all "nurse" and did awesome nurse-wife stuff.

Then she went to the meeting with Kallenberger. I did not go, I was sick. On her way back she got me jello, 7-up, and chicken broth. Mo = Best. Wife. Ever.

The results of the meeting took about 10 minutes and was pretty much what we figured. He has no idea why it didn't work. Everything was good. His words: "It's a fluke. I do tell people to not try again if I think it is a bad idea. You guys should try again. It should have worked." There was only one thing that he could think of that might have been a factor. The embryos that we did not implant started to break down a little before 5 days. Doesn't happen much in women Mo's age, and doesn't happen consistently. May have been a factor, but it's a stretch. Either way, they learned something to watch for.

IVF is always a crap shoot. Even our odds were only 70%. That may seem like a lot, but think about odds for a second.  Some birth control is 99% effective...and kids get born anyway.

So in January we will start the process again. We get to skip some of the initial stuff and Kallenberger can't think of anything he would do different. So we will know what to expect at least and the process will be a little shorter. 7 weeks instead of the 10 we had this time.

Monday

Waiting till Monday afternoon to see the doctor. Whenever IVF fails, he does a consultation before starting cycle 2. Apparently, he only does one per day.

I don't blame him for that. It cannot be fun.

The Big ol' Nothin

A failed IVF cycle is one of the more "unfair" things in the universe. It really is, and I'm not complaining, it just is. You go in, you pay your money, you do all the right stuff the right way at the right time and all the odds are in your favor.

But that doesn't mean much really because it's a big crap shoot at the end.

So when it fails you think "what did we do wrong" "what can we do better this time" and so forth. But the truth is, you did nothing wrong and there is likely nothing you could do better.

So, when it fails the best you can do is cope. So Mo and I are coping. We were surprisingly more emotionally ready than we suspected. I may hit us more over the next few days, but right now, we are okay.

However, I did find this woman's blog. She also had a failed IVF cycle, and she is hilarious. In particular, this post was a riot and helped me greatly. Eventually she did have a child and now is working twins (good for her, could not be happier for her). But one of the best things she posted was this video. Mo and I laughed, and it felt good.

If the video offends you, there is probably a reason it does.

oh good, maybe.

Some who follow this blog may not have heard, but the answer for the day is "maybe". Technically, mo is pregnant.

Technically.

That's a big heavy word. See, by the test any HCG level over 4 is positive. But keep in mind before her laparoscopy she had a positive test as well. Her HCG is a level 10. That seems good, but the number they like to see at this point is 50. So here's the math.

4 < 10 < 50

So...is this just a chemical pregnancy? Maybe. Is this an actual pregnancy? Maybe. Did it not take at all and the injections are causing elevated HCG levels? Maybe. Will we know on Monday? Maybe.

It's like those long lines at theme parks. Every time you turn a corner or go into a new room you think "Okay, now do I get to do the log ride?" and secretly worry it will break down before you get your turn. About the time you've gone through the third room of back and forth lines, you're getting a bit sick of it. That's where we are. Mo and I are tired of the wait.

Not a damn thing we can do about it, but we are perfectly capable of being angry and frustrated about it.

So, Monday and 3 more injections (now 50% larger!) and we might have an answer. Maybe.

(Those who read this, do yourself a favor. Do not suggest we are being taught patience. That is the wrong thing to say right now. You're welcome).

Day 1

Well, tomorrow is the day. We find out if we are pregnant, or we find out if we get to start all over. Either way, it's been a heck of a journey. We are pretty blessed to have insurance that covers the vast majority of the procedure. If not, a second attempt may not be on the table for some time.

I'm fairly confident the results will be good. Lots of things are in our favor and the odds are good. Still, there is a point in most things that we simply have no control over. This is one of those points. We've done all the preparation, we've done all the shots, pills, and tests. Now, it all comes down to a test we have no control over.

I've explained what the last few days are like before. I feel I should again. (It's my blog, I can do things like that).

It's that point when you are waiting for the stupid stick to turn blue...except it's not a few minutes. It's weeks. It's not "oh well, let's try again next month." It's 1-2 months of recovery, 2 more months of IVF (with all the meds, shots, blood draws, etc.) and several thousand dollars all over again.

So those of you who have waited for the stick to turn blue, imagine that, on crack, for 10 days.

To protect my sanity from the onslaught of stress, I chose to present comics. You can't think about that kind of stress, but you can laugh at it. You kinda have to.

Either way things go tomorrow, and I mean this, I want everyone to know Mo and I appreciate all the kind words, understanding thoughts, and heartfelt prayers we've received from friends and family. Keep an eye on FB (and eventually here) for the results.

oh, and here's a comic, it's the last one.

Day 2

We are almost there. I survived today because I had things to do. Tuesdays are my Monday after all. I got plenty done and things at work are busy but going well.

I'm really thankful for my job because it keeps me busy and I don't have time to think about IVF and the pregnancy test.

If I can get through tomorrow with my sanity intact, that will be good. I may not sleep Wednesday night, not without medical assistance anyway.

We're almost done with comics folks, so savor them. Savor I tell you.

Day 3

So I noticed we still had some pregnancy tests from when we were not doing IVF. So I told Mo to use one. Wouldn't be accurate, but hey, what else ya going to do with it?

Turns out it was one of the ovulation tests, and low and behold Mo is not ovulating. Shocker.

We went to Babies R Us to buy a friend a baby shower gift. Walking through there was a mixture of interesting and horrid. Tons of stuff we may, or may not, need to get a hold of in the next few months.

So part of the trip was "ooo cool, we should get that!" followed by "oh wait, maybe we shouldn't."

and here's a comic.

Day 4

We've reached that point where the our humor has become very dark. We make jokes about negative pregnancy tests. We have to. If you don't laugh at it, it's too horrid to cope with.

We aren't dwelling on the negative possibilities mind you. We have high hopes and fantastic odds. But, we are preparing ourselves on some level to deal with the possibility of bad news. If we didn't, and it turned out negative, and it hit us all at once...well...that would be a rough few days.

Still, we know the odds are good. Not sure how they could be better. As the days tick down, it is harder and harder to think about anything else.

ugh, downer post...here's a comic. 

Day 5

Woah. I think I blinked and the day was (for all intents and purposes) over. I think I got stuff done. I don't know what actually, but it got done.

I best be careful otherwise someone will want me to do something.

Distraction! Look! A Comic!

Day 6

Woah, if every day till the pregnancy test is like today, it will be here before I know it. What a week.

Mo had a progesterone test today. That went fine, we don't have to up the dosage. Woohoo.

I hope I can survive work tomorrow. :P

Day 7

One Week to GO! A week from now, well actually a week from a few hours ago, we will know if we are pregnant or not. I won't lie...there is stress. So much is riding on a little blood test.

We haven't heard from the clinic lab, which means none of the other eggs reached "C" grade. That means none were frozen. That means, if this doesn't work, we start all over.

that thought is almost crushing right now. I'm slowly trying to get myself to a point where if I hear that we are not pregnant next Thursday I can handle it.

If the test is positive, ain't going to be no handling. I'm just going to lose my mind. It will be an awesome feeling.

Enjoy today's comic!

Day 8

Well, this day went by pretty fast for me. Not for mo though.

The first 24 hours after transfer Mo needs to be on her back in bed. She can get to go to the bathroom, but that's about it. After 24 hours, she gets to sit up and lay on her side.

So today at 1pm she was so excited to move to the couch. Big fun.

Tomorrow at 1pm she will be more or less back to normal, and working Friday night.

For me, work kept me so busy and tired I didn't have too much time to think about the upcoming pregnancy test. I'll call that a good thing.

Enjoy the comic.

B & D

They rate embryo's from A to F, like grades. But, it's a hard grade to get. The vast majority of pregnancies from the clinic are Cs and Ds.

For us, there was a B and a D for transfer. This means the remaining embryo's are Ds. If they improve to Cs in the next day we can freeze them. So if this doesn't work, and we have any frozen we can skip some of the IVF stuff. If not, we get to start all over again.

So here is hoping that one (or preferably both) of the embryo's develops. We will know for use Nov. 11th.

Day 9

Today, at 1pm, the doctors will transfer the two best fertilized eggs to Mo.

The next 48 hours are a big deal. They need to attach to the uterus and to increase the odds of that, Mo will be on bed rest for about 24 hours.

After that, she needs to be pretty sedate. House work and anything strenuous is just out of the question.

We won't know if it worked for another week or so, but we are hopeful. Enjoy the comic.

10 Day Count Down

Tomorrow is the transfer. Woohoo!
In 10 days we will have a pregnancy test. For me, this will be a long 10 days of waiting and wondering with a great deal on the line.

To help keep spirits high and smiles bright, I want to share some selections from some cartoons my mom gave Mo and I.

I hope you enjoy them.

Another one down

One of the nine developed an abnormality, so it's out. The other 8 are doing well. One of them is at 10 cells. Little over achiever...takes after mama.

We are looking at Tuesday for the transfer and we won't be called tomorrow. So by then they will know which two are best bets. I think the rest are frozen or something. Honestly I don't recall from the class we took.

With any luck we won't need any more than the two we use.

The wait from Nov. 2nd to Nov. 11th is going to be murder!

8 good to go, 1 over achiever

By this time, the eggs should be divided into 2-4 cells.

We have 8 at that point, 1 is at 6 cells.  Implantation is pretty much going to be Nov. 2nd @ 1pm.

After that, Mo will need to be on her back resting for 24 hours.

she will rest. If I have to strap her down, she will rest.

6 maybe 9

We got a call from the clinic today.

Well, one egg did not survive retrieval. :(
Two were fertilized by more than one sperm, they don't use those.
Three may or may not be fertilized. Not sure yet.
But 6 are doing good.

So we are still doing well. Implantation is looking more and more like Nov. 2nd.

A dozen eggs

In an act of outrageous coincidence, the doctor got 12 eggs. That's the upper end of average...and very cool.

Mo recovered well and is doing fine now. We are both a bit tired, but not entirely because of the procedure.

The rough part of the day was actually a few minutes ago. Mo needs to take progesterone shots from now until they tell her to stop (prolly well into the the first trimester). Since this is an intramuscular injection (as opposed to the subcutaneous injections up till now) the shot has to go into her rear. Since she can't really twist around and do that herself, I get to do it.

I hate needles. I really freaking hate them. So I got a crash course in giving the shot.

I screwed up the first one by going in slow and pulling out when she flinched. I (thankfully) got it on the next try. Neither of us enjoyed that experience, but it is one we will need to get used to over the next few months.

As far as the time line: Implantation will (probably) be either Monday or Tuesday (Nov. 1st or 2nd). The blood test to check for pregnancy will be Nov. 11th.

Thursday it is

Low and behold! The doctors are pleased with the results. Mo is down to just the one shot and back on antibiotics. We will do retrieval on Thursday!

She will go in for the procedure at 7am. They said we should be out of there by 9am. That is in hospital time. In real life time that means we will get out of there around 10am if we are very lucky.

Not entirely sure when implantation will be. Maybe Saturday, maybe Sunday. We will know soon.

It's finally happening and I am excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and thrilled out of my mind.

Okay...one more?

Today we did the third ultrasound and blood test. This was the last one pre-scheduled. Sadly, it won't be the last. The thingies (folicies or something) are supposed to be about 16mm now, they are just under that (like 15.5 to 15.9). So mo will do another round of injections tonight and another ultrasound and blood draw tomorrow morning.

Depending on how that turns out will determine if we do retrieval on Thursday or Friday. Then, depending on how well that goes, we will know when implantation can be. If everything goes well, by this time next week Mo will be pregnant.

We won't know if she is for a couple weeks or so after that, and we won't know if it is single or twins for some time after that.

So the waiting is murder, but things are not going badly, just cautiously.

9 to 10mm

We just got home from the first of 3 ultrasounds and blood checks. It is basically the same as the suppression check, they just look for different stuff.

Mo's ovaries are doing well. The follicies...or whatever they are called are about 9-10mm across. Which is good. Mo hasn't experienced any of the weird crazy side effects, even her mood is stable. This is all good news, and it means we don't need to be more aggressive with the medication and she is down one injection. That's just fantastic.

We have another ultrasound and blood check on Saturday. I won't be able to go to that one because of some testing that needs to get done. Not too thrilled about that. She will turn in a bunch of paperwork for the retrieval and transfer that morning.

So by this day next week, Lord willing, retrieval will be done and we will be eagerly looking forward to implantation.

Just a little more...

First, sorry about the double posts. Also, Facebook is being a jerk about importing blogs, soooo I'm just going to use bloggers "share" button. It's easier and Facebook craziness doesn't get in the way.

Mo started the multiple shots per day. What a mess that is. She has to combine several powders with some solution to make the shot. I know that sounds easy, but you have to do it with these little things that screw onto the syringe and poke into some little vials. It's a hassle. Then after she does all that, then she gets to do the shot. One in the morning, one at night.

But! Thursday is the Ultrasound and blood check. Retrieval will be about a week after that. So we are down to the lest couple weeks before implantation. We try to not look at the calendar. Well, I do anyway. It kinda gets in your head though.

Another thing that helps is being insanely busy. Work is going to be rough this week. I only work 2.5 days. (Fall Break, woohoo). But those days are going to be tough. Tomorrow I drive to Grove, 3 hours there, 3 hours back. I'm sure my mind won't drift to IVF thoughts.

It's everywhere!

I swear, I can't go 2 days without talking to someone whose gone through IVF.

I'm a jerk, I'm not trying to be with this statement though.
If you haven't gone through IVF, it is very difficult to understand how invasive it is. It overshadows everything. Sometimes it is all you can think about. The number of injections is insane. I have no idea how Mo copes. I really don't. I'm in this with her and I don't get it.

So the other day I had a mole removed (yes mom, the ugly one on my waist line). If I knew it was that easy to deal with, I'd have done it years ago. 90 seconds and a couple hundred bucks (before insurance).

Not the point.

Turns out the dermatologist went through IVF 2 years ago, now has a daughter. The parent of a client we tested today is in round 3 of IVF. My heart bled for her. But it is nice to talk to these women and get their experiences and share our own. They talk and all I can think is "That is totally how I feel". It's very connecting or something.

Late next week we start the 48 hour ultrasounds (which are totally horrid) and blood checks (which are surprisingly not horrid). The week after that will be retrieval and implantation. We are almost there!

copping a daditude

I heard the best word from one of the students the other day.

"Daditude"

I loved it and immediately decided to make a blog about becoming a dad, and how that goes. No telling how long this blog will last...with luck most of my kids lives.

Right now, I don't even have kids.

Mo and I went to the fertility clinic yesterday for her suppression check. Good news! Her ovaries are good and shut down. She starts more injections on Monday. That Monday will be the end of week 5. So we are on track for retrieval on Oct. 27th. Implantation will be around Halloween.

We are both excited. We are still praying for twins (boy and girl). I will be happy with alive and reasonably healthy. Honestly, somewhat unhealthy only bothers me a little. But hey, God has the power to give whatever he wants, so I'm going to ask for whatever I want. Not asking just seems insulting.