Back end of a Brontosaurus

I went to hang out with some friends the other night. Saturday night. They warn us almost every week that one or more of the 5 kids or 3 adults in the house is sick. So I'm used to taking my chances.

That's the thing with chances. Eventually the improbable will happen. Damn you eventuality.

I woke up sick. Nasty sick. Let's not talk about it anymore sick.

Mo is not sick, of course. Her immune system is like the Hulk in an Iron Man suit upgraded by Batman and the Predator. If a germ survives long enough to get close it has just enough time to cry. So she went all "nurse" and did awesome nurse-wife stuff.

Then she went to the meeting with Kallenberger. I did not go, I was sick. On her way back she got me jello, 7-up, and chicken broth. Mo = Best. Wife. Ever.

The results of the meeting took about 10 minutes and was pretty much what we figured. He has no idea why it didn't work. Everything was good. His words: "It's a fluke. I do tell people to not try again if I think it is a bad idea. You guys should try again. It should have worked." There was only one thing that he could think of that might have been a factor. The embryos that we did not implant started to break down a little before 5 days. Doesn't happen much in women Mo's age, and doesn't happen consistently. May have been a factor, but it's a stretch. Either way, they learned something to watch for.

IVF is always a crap shoot. Even our odds were only 70%. That may seem like a lot, but think about odds for a second.  Some birth control is 99% effective...and kids get born anyway.

So in January we will start the process again. We get to skip some of the initial stuff and Kallenberger can't think of anything he would do different. So we will know what to expect at least and the process will be a little shorter. 7 weeks instead of the 10 we had this time.

Monday

Waiting till Monday afternoon to see the doctor. Whenever IVF fails, he does a consultation before starting cycle 2. Apparently, he only does one per day.

I don't blame him for that. It cannot be fun.

The Big ol' Nothin

A failed IVF cycle is one of the more "unfair" things in the universe. It really is, and I'm not complaining, it just is. You go in, you pay your money, you do all the right stuff the right way at the right time and all the odds are in your favor.

But that doesn't mean much really because it's a big crap shoot at the end.

So when it fails you think "what did we do wrong" "what can we do better this time" and so forth. But the truth is, you did nothing wrong and there is likely nothing you could do better.

So, when it fails the best you can do is cope. So Mo and I are coping. We were surprisingly more emotionally ready than we suspected. I may hit us more over the next few days, but right now, we are okay.

However, I did find this woman's blog. She also had a failed IVF cycle, and she is hilarious. In particular, this post was a riot and helped me greatly. Eventually she did have a child and now is working twins (good for her, could not be happier for her). But one of the best things she posted was this video. Mo and I laughed, and it felt good.

If the video offends you, there is probably a reason it does.

oh good, maybe.

Some who follow this blog may not have heard, but the answer for the day is "maybe". Technically, mo is pregnant.

Technically.

That's a big heavy word. See, by the test any HCG level over 4 is positive. But keep in mind before her laparoscopy she had a positive test as well. Her HCG is a level 10. That seems good, but the number they like to see at this point is 50. So here's the math.

4 < 10 < 50

So...is this just a chemical pregnancy? Maybe. Is this an actual pregnancy? Maybe. Did it not take at all and the injections are causing elevated HCG levels? Maybe. Will we know on Monday? Maybe.

It's like those long lines at theme parks. Every time you turn a corner or go into a new room you think "Okay, now do I get to do the log ride?" and secretly worry it will break down before you get your turn. About the time you've gone through the third room of back and forth lines, you're getting a bit sick of it. That's where we are. Mo and I are tired of the wait.

Not a damn thing we can do about it, but we are perfectly capable of being angry and frustrated about it.

So, Monday and 3 more injections (now 50% larger!) and we might have an answer. Maybe.

(Those who read this, do yourself a favor. Do not suggest we are being taught patience. That is the wrong thing to say right now. You're welcome).

Day 1

Well, tomorrow is the day. We find out if we are pregnant, or we find out if we get to start all over. Either way, it's been a heck of a journey. We are pretty blessed to have insurance that covers the vast majority of the procedure. If not, a second attempt may not be on the table for some time.

I'm fairly confident the results will be good. Lots of things are in our favor and the odds are good. Still, there is a point in most things that we simply have no control over. This is one of those points. We've done all the preparation, we've done all the shots, pills, and tests. Now, it all comes down to a test we have no control over.

I've explained what the last few days are like before. I feel I should again. (It's my blog, I can do things like that).

It's that point when you are waiting for the stupid stick to turn blue...except it's not a few minutes. It's weeks. It's not "oh well, let's try again next month." It's 1-2 months of recovery, 2 more months of IVF (with all the meds, shots, blood draws, etc.) and several thousand dollars all over again.

So those of you who have waited for the stick to turn blue, imagine that, on crack, for 10 days.

To protect my sanity from the onslaught of stress, I chose to present comics. You can't think about that kind of stress, but you can laugh at it. You kinda have to.

Either way things go tomorrow, and I mean this, I want everyone to know Mo and I appreciate all the kind words, understanding thoughts, and heartfelt prayers we've received from friends and family. Keep an eye on FB (and eventually here) for the results.

oh, and here's a comic, it's the last one.

Day 2

We are almost there. I survived today because I had things to do. Tuesdays are my Monday after all. I got plenty done and things at work are busy but going well.

I'm really thankful for my job because it keeps me busy and I don't have time to think about IVF and the pregnancy test.

If I can get through tomorrow with my sanity intact, that will be good. I may not sleep Wednesday night, not without medical assistance anyway.

We're almost done with comics folks, so savor them. Savor I tell you.

Day 3

So I noticed we still had some pregnancy tests from when we were not doing IVF. So I told Mo to use one. Wouldn't be accurate, but hey, what else ya going to do with it?

Turns out it was one of the ovulation tests, and low and behold Mo is not ovulating. Shocker.

We went to Babies R Us to buy a friend a baby shower gift. Walking through there was a mixture of interesting and horrid. Tons of stuff we may, or may not, need to get a hold of in the next few months.

So part of the trip was "ooo cool, we should get that!" followed by "oh wait, maybe we shouldn't."

and here's a comic.

Day 4

We've reached that point where the our humor has become very dark. We make jokes about negative pregnancy tests. We have to. If you don't laugh at it, it's too horrid to cope with.

We aren't dwelling on the negative possibilities mind you. We have high hopes and fantastic odds. But, we are preparing ourselves on some level to deal with the possibility of bad news. If we didn't, and it turned out negative, and it hit us all at once...well...that would be a rough few days.

Still, we know the odds are good. Not sure how they could be better. As the days tick down, it is harder and harder to think about anything else.

ugh, downer post...here's a comic. 

Day 5

Woah. I think I blinked and the day was (for all intents and purposes) over. I think I got stuff done. I don't know what actually, but it got done.

I best be careful otherwise someone will want me to do something.

Distraction! Look! A Comic!

Day 6

Woah, if every day till the pregnancy test is like today, it will be here before I know it. What a week.

Mo had a progesterone test today. That went fine, we don't have to up the dosage. Woohoo.

I hope I can survive work tomorrow. :P

Day 7

One Week to GO! A week from now, well actually a week from a few hours ago, we will know if we are pregnant or not. I won't lie...there is stress. So much is riding on a little blood test.

We haven't heard from the clinic lab, which means none of the other eggs reached "C" grade. That means none were frozen. That means, if this doesn't work, we start all over.

that thought is almost crushing right now. I'm slowly trying to get myself to a point where if I hear that we are not pregnant next Thursday I can handle it.

If the test is positive, ain't going to be no handling. I'm just going to lose my mind. It will be an awesome feeling.

Enjoy today's comic!

Day 8

Well, this day went by pretty fast for me. Not for mo though.

The first 24 hours after transfer Mo needs to be on her back in bed. She can get to go to the bathroom, but that's about it. After 24 hours, she gets to sit up and lay on her side.

So today at 1pm she was so excited to move to the couch. Big fun.

Tomorrow at 1pm she will be more or less back to normal, and working Friday night.

For me, work kept me so busy and tired I didn't have too much time to think about the upcoming pregnancy test. I'll call that a good thing.

Enjoy the comic.

B & D

They rate embryo's from A to F, like grades. But, it's a hard grade to get. The vast majority of pregnancies from the clinic are Cs and Ds.

For us, there was a B and a D for transfer. This means the remaining embryo's are Ds. If they improve to Cs in the next day we can freeze them. So if this doesn't work, and we have any frozen we can skip some of the IVF stuff. If not, we get to start all over again.

So here is hoping that one (or preferably both) of the embryo's develops. We will know for use Nov. 11th.

Day 9

Today, at 1pm, the doctors will transfer the two best fertilized eggs to Mo.

The next 48 hours are a big deal. They need to attach to the uterus and to increase the odds of that, Mo will be on bed rest for about 24 hours.

After that, she needs to be pretty sedate. House work and anything strenuous is just out of the question.

We won't know if it worked for another week or so, but we are hopeful. Enjoy the comic.

10 Day Count Down

Tomorrow is the transfer. Woohoo!
In 10 days we will have a pregnancy test. For me, this will be a long 10 days of waiting and wondering with a great deal on the line.

To help keep spirits high and smiles bright, I want to share some selections from some cartoons my mom gave Mo and I.

I hope you enjoy them.