Stair Way to Heaven

Happy Twinkieday.

Ancient Chinese Secret

The other day Mo wanted Chinese buffet. The 'Eating' has begun and it was Chinese buffet or my arm.

So I took her to Chinese buffet.

After the meal, we got fortune cookies. Mo opened hers and it read:

"A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share."

We laughed and thought that was interesting. Then I opened my fortune cookie and it read:

"A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share."

It knows something...

Buying the Baby

Mo and I are richly blessed. We have enough to pay our bills, reduce our debt at a reasonable clip, and still enjoy the benefits of our income. We work hard to control our money, but we are doing far better than we deserve.

So when we were driving to the second blood test I knew (KNEW) that when it was positive again we would drive directly to babies R us and hemorrhage money like BP oil pipe (too soon?).

But ya know what? Didn't happen. We went to Babies R Us. We've been to damn near every baby store and few consignment stores. Know what we bought? Well, at the Goodwill today we bought a pair of shelves for $5.40.

And that's all.

Seriously.

The cool thing is we kinda have some of the big stuff covered. My sister is donating her crib (awesome). I think I am going to ask my dad to stain it to match the bedding system I have from when I was a kid. The desk from that system (if you remove the optional light shelf) should work remarkably well as a changing table. The chester drawers will hold toys, clothes, and who knows what all else.

There are some things we won't buy till we have a better idea of the "Twins/no Twins" question. Things like a stroller and car seat or swing.

I suppose the uncertainty factor is still messing with us. We don't know if it is twins, we don't know genders, even if it is twins now that doesn't mean that both will deliver. But really, ignoring all that, I think I know the major reason we haven't jumped into the buying stuff yet.


We still can't believe it's actually happening.

Setting in

For me, finding out Mo was pregnant was not how I imagined. I was shocked and excited, that much is obvious.

What caught me off guard is how long it's taking for it to set in. There are these moments when it dawns on me (as if I wasn't aware) that this is really happening. Mo is actually pregnant.

We did some window shopping for things. I knew the financial numbers of what an infant cost. I knew it more or less off hand. I'm a dork. I research that stuff. But now it seems so much more real.

X diapers per day, X diapers in a pack = X packs per month. $X per pack times X per month = $X per month. (per child).

Suddenly, X is a real number not a theoretical number. In it's own way, that is exciting. I am glad these things are less theoretical.

But, as could be expected, it can be scary too. Obviously, money gets a bit scary with twins. I have a friend expecting twins right now (who is the sole bread-winner and has a nearly 2 year old already). I have no idea how he sleeps at night. I really don't.

But other things get into the mix...
Will I be able to continue working? Part-time maybe? Where? Doing what? Is the apartment big enough for twins? How long can it work before we need to move? If I work part-time, how much part-time?

Then the really scary shit moves in...
What if they are preemie and stay in the NICU? What if they are born sick?
 I won't go on, between a nurse and a psychologist, Mo and I can get really scary, really fast.

We will talk about it. We will pray about it. We will look at the numbers. We will figure out a plan. We will pray about it. We will execute the plan. We will adjust the plan as needed.

We won't know if it is twins in there till May 2nd so much of the worry is pointless anyway. Even then, all bets are off till they are born.

So in the end, we will do what we have to do, and that's really all anyone ever does.

Rough Read

I recently exposed myself to the whole 'anti-IVF, IVF is a sin" thing. I read a few dozen articles, forums, etc.

That was a rough read. Sometimes the authors used arguments that were 'logic-like' but failed any sort of actual test since the vast majority of the arguments were based upon opinions and beliefs in hedge laws. That part was hard to read for the pure mental exhaustion of it all. But hardly the part that left me feeling exhausted and sad.

The sadness and exhaustion came from facing so much hatred, anger, and bitterness. It wasn't enough for the person to craft some argument in favor of an opinion like a rational human. The argument was such that any deviation from their belief was completely unacceptable and gave the author the right to condemn the souls of those who disagreed. In some forums, these individuals went on, at length, to extend their beliefs on IVF into the personality and salvation of those who disagreed on even minor points.

When I finally reached a point where I felt I had a decent grasp of the main points of conflict and formed my own ideas on the topics (which I have no intention of posting here or debating, ever, with anyone), I was exhausted. It was simply hard for me to be exposed to that level of bitter intolerance and anger and not become angry and bitter myself.

I'm thankful for a good support network and life that has allowed me to develop sufficient coping skills and the ability to find emotional equilibrium from time to time.

Regardless, it made me think of this.

three cubed

Three is an interesting number. Check it out on wikipedia. It's in the Bible a bunch.

We got our beta HCG result today.
It was kinda cute. BeeJay, the woman who has basically held our hand through IVF, had to tell us last time that our result was a 10. That turned out to be bad and she knew it.

It was supposed to be Karen (the nurse, not my sister) who was to call us this time, but Beejay begged Karen to let her call us.

A "good" HCG is 50. I guessed it would be 70. Mo guessed it would be 120.
If we combined our guesses we would still be short.

Mo's HCG is 333.

It feels like this,

a bit like this,

a touch of this,

and a little of this here. 

We will go in Monday to make sure the HCG is increasing. It needs to be around 800 to 900ish by then. 

Tentative Happiness

Last time I mentioned how betaHCG is basically a terrible cruel thing. Here is why.

A few days ago, this happened.

See, you can't tell in this photo but there is a very, very faint line to the left of the one you can see. Technically, that means the test is positive.

Sorta.

See, the 'trigger shot' Mo took before retrieval is basically a crack-ton of HCG and it take days for that to get out of her system. This test was 5 days post transfer (DPT) and may just be reflecting the HCG in her system.

So we did another one the next day...and the next...and today. (The Crazy came out, I admit it).

little darker

darker still

okay...a pattern forms

See how that line just gets darker and darker? That's good news. It suggests the HCG is increasing. Look at this way.

So. This is the first positive pregnancy test we've ever had. The odds of Mo being pregnant are just super at this point.

Tomorrow is the blood test and we will get more information. Hopefully it will confirm the home tests. They will probably want another test a couple days after tomorrow to confirm there is an increase over time.

Truth

This is it.

Brain Esplode!

So apparently last night my subconscious sat in a chair with a white cat, smiled, and said. 

"you know what conscious Jeremy? I haven't screwed with you in a while. I think I will, it is after all April 1st."

Then began laughing maniacally as the camera pulled back and then hard cut to me laying in bed, the sheets tossed around me, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling.

Last night my subconscious composed a truly evil, and yet mythically brilliant, series of nightmarish doubts and fears. IVF had failed miserably again, and (again) with no explanation. Mo and I spiraled into depression. Hope died of cancer. Faith crumbled into the sea.

All that stuff. Biblical really. I'm not even mad at my subconscious now that I am awake and the nasty thoughts are fading and being replaced by (reborn) hope. I'm just impressed that it could so effectively and efficiently shred through positive (and yet realistic) outlook on this round. Seriously, if I could give my subconscious an award, he totally deserves it.

I didn't get much sleep though. That's annoying. I'm craving orange soda too. Not sure what that is about.

I'm taking the day off work to go to the Medieval Faire in Norman. Sunlight, Swords, and people dressed in funny outfits!
http://www.medievalfair.org/

Happy Thoughts

I am a scientist. Yes, I am a psychologist, but not that kind of psychologist. I do the diagnostic type of psychology, I use applied behaviorism, I work with strange things called standard scores and errors of the estimate. It's all very cerebral.

Dr. K is also a scientist. His pursuits are south of the cerebellum, but science none the less. His specialization is just as imprecise. My god, a good success rate is 60% in his field. In mine we barely accept anything less than 95% accuracy.

So it is weird when this bonified, certified, white-jacket wearing scientist looks at me and tells me

"Have happy thoughts."

Wait just a damn minute. This is science! We don't need happy thoughts! The tools of science work (damn it). That is why we call it science. I am pretty sure 'happy thoughts' is not in the protocol and has no validity measures.

Now, don't miss understand. I am well (WELL) versed in the effects of a positive outlook and stress on the physical performance of our frail little bodies. I get it, thinking doom and gloom is rarely a good idea. I get it. I really do. And I'm not upset with Dr. K for what is, in all honest, seriously good advice. It totally is.

But, I don't want to face this round of IVF with nothing more than happy thoughts. I want to face it with the bare bones reality of what it is. It is a chance. It's a good chance, that is for sure, but it is still just a chance. It will probably work, but it might not. I want to be ready to face that. I wasn't last time and it was hell to deal with. But deal with it we did and now another failure is no less frustrating but vastly less frightening. If it fails, fine. We know how that goes. We know the next steps. If it works, which is should, awesome. That has next steps too.

Still, in spite of my desire to be realistic (not cold, just realistic) about it, I find myself somewhat convinced that this attempt will work. I know I have no evidence to believe it will be any different than last time, and yet, I am having happy thoughts.

Curiously, I actually know the science behind why I am (whether I want to or not) doing exactly what the man in the white coat told me to do.